I meant to say this in the therapy session today, but I couldn't.
It was much too private and it flew right out of my head. I'll try to say it now to myself at least. I realized just the other day...I don't remember what I was doing when it came to me...that I have begun to love sex again. I'm so alive. I don't think I've been this way ever, not even when I was a teenager or in my twenties.
Sexual feelings come over me at all times of the day now. It even happened right in therapy. I found myself fantasizing about my therapist. OK, I know this is supposed to happen, but it never happened to me before. I felt pretty smarmy, not entitled. I got over it. I think.
OK, so the sex is there, enticing me to do something about it 24/7. I'm ashamed to admit I've done things about it with myself and with Terrence. I've thought about every good looking man who has past me on the street. I want to feel as sexual as I'm feeling but I can't let myself. I'm too scared. What if I act on all that I feel?
But this is only one part of what I want to say. The other, believe it or not, has to do with food...and with me eating out of control all these years. That's what I realized the other day too, that food was my sex and my real sexual feelings were nowhere to be found.
It was like my "on" button was turned off. More later...